The Lord of the Hair Things
by The Ocean Is My Inkwell
Summary: A totally silly spoof of LotR, in a one-act play format. Legolas finds a bottle of Pantene shampoo in his pack, and the entire Fellowship is thrown into a bout of bickering over how to use it.


**A/N: Okay, this is really a silly spoof, but it kept bugging me in my dreams, so I simply had to write it down.**

**Also, my sister kept encouraging me to write it. So here it is!**

The Lord of the Hair Things

_[Setting: Amon Hen. A clearing in the forest, right on the riverbank.]_

_[Characters present: The Fellowship--Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas Greenleaf, Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took.]_

_[__**Boromir**__ is seated before a bundle of faggots, striving desperately to rub a fire out of two sticks and muttering gruffly under his breath as he goes. __**Gimli **__is sharpening his axe; the __**four hobbits**__ are sneaking bites of lembas; and __**Gandalf **__is spaced out, "musing." Meanwhile, __**Aragorn**__ is glaring across at Boromir while skinning a few rabbits. __**Legolas**__ is staring at his reflection in the water.]_

**Boromir:** _[roughly]_ Ho, so-called son of Arathorn, when is that meat going to be ready? I'm famished.

**Aragorn:** Ho, so-called Captain of Gondor, when is that pitiful flame going to grow bigger?

**Boromir:** Humph!

**Gimli:** Ha, let _me_ do the fire, Boromir.

**Boromir:** You tiny miniscule dwarf-man! Your strength does not even match mine!

**Gimli:** _[squinting]_ First of all, all those words mean the same thing. Second, it seems that your strength is failing you, and so I make you this generous offer.

**Four Hobbits:** _[together]_ Who said we need roasted rabbits? We have plenty of lembas here!

**Gimli:** _I'll_ tell you what. Since Captain Boromir is failing at his task, and refuses to relinquish the responsibility to someone as trustworthy as I, we shall have the rabbits as they are now.

**Aragorn:** _[swallowing]_ Raw?

**Legolas:** Ewww!

**Gandalf:** _[imperatively]_ Hold your tongues, you babbling fools! I am meditating.

_[__**Legolas**__, mimicking Gandalf's manner, silently mouths, "I am meditating."]_

**Aragorn:** Oh, shut up. We'll get dinner ready.

**Gimli:** Ha!

_[__**Legolas**__, meanwhile, has been rummaging in his packs.]_

**Legolas:** _[excitedly]_ Look!!!

**Aragorn:** Huh?

**Gimli:** What now, Pointy-Ears?

_[__**Legolas**__ holds up a large rounded bottle with an easy-open cap. It is blue and smooth; in fact, it is plastic, though no one knows this.]_

**Merry:** Ahhh...!

**Pippin:** What's that?

**Samwise:** Is there something in it?

**Frodo:** What do the words say?

**Legolas:** _[peevishly]_ Don't ask petty questions.

**Gandalf:** Quick, Master Legolas! Hide that! Throw it into the water! It is an evil token of the Enemy!

**Boromir:** Wait! Don't you see? It is an instrument of power. Let us take it to Gondor straightaway! Oh, my father will be proud of me!

**Aragorn:** Stop fussing over it, you people. It's worthless. Toss it in the shrubs. Or, better yet, give it to the Orcs.

**Gimli:** No, wait. What do you think that capsule may be hiding? Perhaps there is food in it...? What do you say? Shall I axe it apart?

**Gandalf:** Stay! Do not act so impetuously!

_[__**Legolas**__, meanwhile, has already popped it open and squeezed a drop of what is actually shampoo into the palm of his hand.]_

**Four Hobbits:** Ooo!

**Merry:** I know, cousin Frodo! Perhaps we can polish that old Ring of yours with it!

**Aragorn:** Ha, looks like leather soap to me.

**Gandalf:** _[insistently]_ It is evil!

**Legolas:** Will you people just be quiet!

**Aragorn:** Excuse me! I happen to be the future King of Gondor!

**Gimli:** No need to be so petulant, Pointy-Ears and Smelly Face.

**Aragorn:** Hey...!

**Boromir:** _[testily]_ Why will none of you recognize it as our key to power? Look, this may be a deadly weapon against the Enemy!

**Gandalf:** _[wearily]_ It is evil.

**Legolas:** _[exasperated]_ All right, you ignoramuses, ever heard of _shampoo_?

_[All shake their heads and murmur "No."]_

**Legolas:** _[with an injured sniff]_ It is used for refreshing the hair in the Elven land.

_[__**Gandalf**__ stares suspiciously at him.]_

**Legolas:** See! All one must do is apply it to one's hair!

_[He demonstrates by moistening his golden hair and rubbing the shampoo all over his head, creating bubbly suds.]_

_[The __**Four Hobbits**__ burst out laughing.]_

**Legolas:** Hey!!! What's funny?

**Gimli:** Look at yourself, Pointy-Ears.

**Legolas:** If you call me Pointy-Ears to my face again, I'll--I'll...er...

**Gimli:** _I_ hold the axe, Elf.

**Legolas:** And _I_ hold the bow--

**Gandalf:** Peace! Let us return to our point of discussion. We all have agreed, then, that Master Legolas has placed a dangerous substance upon his body, and presently he is the cause of much unneeded amusement.

**Aragorn:** _[boredly]_ No comment.

**Boromir:** _[contemptuously]_ Fools...

**Legolas:** _[whining]_ Well, I don't think it was _my_ choice for you to all laugh at me!

_[The indicated __**Four Hobbits**__ abruptly cease their tittering and with great effort hold their breaths, glancing at one another guiltily.]_

**Gandalf:** _[impatiently]_ Peace! Master Legolas, I would most gravely advise you to rid your body of that poisonous substance.

**Legolas:** I was _already_ going to do that. Oh, and it _is_ poisonous, but only if you eat it.

_[He turns and promptly rinses his hair thoroughly in the river. Then he turns back to the eight other Fellowship members staring mutely at his ridiculous appearance.]_

**Legolas:** Why do you all turn your eyes on me? Go, go, do your own things! I must attend to my personal effects...

**Gandalf:** _[solemnly]_ Your hair is wet.

**Legolas:** Well? Is that all you have got to say? Go back to your meditating, old grey-beard!

**Boromir:** _[gasping and drawing his sword]_ Hold!

**Legolas:** _[indignant]_ Hold what?

**Four Hobbits:** Um...

**Gimli:** Er...

**Legolas:** I said, what?

**Aragorn:** Uh...

**Legolas:** _[shrieking]_ What?!

**Aragorn:** There's an Orc behind you...

_[__**Legolas**__ whirls.]_

**Aragorn:** RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

_Finis_

**A/N: Please review! CC is accepted. :D**

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